Saturday, 9 November 2013

smiling out of fear

This year is sort of drifting away and everything seems to be happening amazingly fast. It's almost impossible for me to blog in the way I used to because my perception of the world has altered so drastically in the last few months and I'm not really the same person I used to be, something which seems, by turns, logical and confusing. Most of my time now seems to be spent reflecting back on events, the aftermath of everything seems to mean much more than the actual sequence of events. I make mix cds to remind me of particular nights and I record conversations and connections in my notebooks and I take pictures but the life I am cataloguing so carefully doesn't seem to really be my own. It all feels so disembodied. Most of the time I'm just sort of drifting along, making mental notes and jotting things down without ever really feeling connected to them. Why, when I have almost no sense of any self preservation do I worry so much about forgetting anything? Maybe it's due to that? Maybe that's how I channel the survival instinct most people seem to inherently act upon? There have been periods of time in my life where I have become so engrossed in being self destruction that they are simply remembered as blank spaces in my brain. My mind just pulled away and chose not to remember anything because maybe there's very little to remember. Was I really there, or did I chose to float away from myself? I have all the puzzle pieces but I can't fit them together, can't work out why things happened how they did, what prompted me to do certain things. There are words and facts and scars which don't belong to me. Writing has always been the only thing I've ever wanted to do as a result of the numerous narratives which forever crawl around my brain, shaky ideas which I've always taken as validation for my existence. I've always understood that despair and confusion and desperation are inescapable and omnipresent emotions and yet clinging to the idea that being able to create something tangible would change that.

Being alive seems remarkably tiring. Not tiring in the sense of not being worthwhile, tiring in terms of being far more complex than it technically should be. And, having finally come to terms with the fact that maybe life does go on, all I really want is to escape the rut I'm in. Finish school. Get out. Go somewhere new. Do something meaningful. Stop wasting time. Start feeling alive. Winter is coming which is a little scary because I do not handle cold and darkness and loneliness well at all. My walk home from school each night is probably my favourite part of the day. Sometimes it's dark by the time I leave and I walk through patches of light and patches of darkness under the glowing sodium street lamps, pine cones crunching under my feet and rain in my eyes. It always feels so disconnected, like moving between worlds, separate from everything. At that time of the evening in the winter everything is daubed in shades of orange and blue, the sky and shapes of trees blending together, the smudgy beams of car headlights, the shapes of lanky dogs loping around the park. Most of the houses I pass have all the lights on and I try to imagine the people in them and inhale the smells of cooking which waft from some of them. It's always cold, but not the uncomfortable kind of cold. And eventually, maybe in December or January I'll probably have to start getting the bus when it snows or whatever which I hate because no matter how cold or tired I am, I love those walks.

Once again I've lost the ability to ever really get much done. Procrastination and tiredness and incessant nightmares and late night panic attacks kinda kill productivity so I just try to read as many books as I can and keep writing my notebook and watch the odd movie. Exams are coming up which should shake me into motion. Maybe I'll start playing the guitar or knitting or something before I give up completely on things. Who knows. Writing all this here, rather than in my notebook like usual, is the most productive thing I've done today and it feels good to write something slightly substantial here, even if it makes very little sense. Maybe I should use this blog as more of a diary because it's hard to take pictures or anything at the moment.

 Because this post needs something visual, have some collages of outfit-y pictures from my instagram, which is @bubblegumpopqueen. Planning my Halloween costume, a saturday a few weeks ago, stickers on my old window and a snake earring I borrowed from my mum.
 Ebay purchases, my Teletubby rucksack and lame mirror selfies.
 Candy from Maria, at a vintage fair, Patti Smith t-shirt at the gym and Nadia and I.
My Doc Martens and more mirror selfies. So, time for me to get off the internet and try and get some work done (HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH.)


Mattie said...

this is really beautiful - you always seem to be able to articulate your thoughts in a way that I can only ever dream of being able to do, and they, more often than not, completely strike a chord in me and resonate - you seem to be able to sum up my thoughts and feelings better than I ever can! I feel like I need to start living in the moment more - I spend so much time looking forward to things, rather than really appreciating my life when it's actually happening. I feel like the life I'm living really isn't my own - in my head I'm someone completely different to how I am in real life, and that makes it difficult to feel comfortable in myself and to enjoy what ever is going on. I'm so hung up on these things that they really get me down and although I know I need to start changing things if they're making me unhappy, I can never seem to actually do it. I know this makes no sense whatsoever but basically, thank you for posting this! It's nice to know someone is feeling a similar way:-)

your instagram is my fave, and I hope you start feeling a little better about everything soon<3 <3 <3

mattie xxxxxx


alix said...

This does make sense, it makes so much sense. Much more sense then my scatterbrain gibberish. And not only that, its beautifully written. I could never even piece together my feelings this well in my own head never mind write it so eloquently, and yet you have and you don't even know me. It's strange how things that feel so isolating can actually be shared experiences, but no one really talks about them, so we rarely know.

Amelia G said...

This is wonderfully written and I can really identify with the feelings of detachment and confusing. Nothing matters as much as I feel like it should, and nothing seems to happen of my own volition. Even the beautiful little snippets like the blue and orange light or the lanky dogs resonate so deeply with my own experiences. You have a way of putting life onto paper (or the internet I guess) without losing any colour or meaning, and it's a fantastic thing to be able to do.

Dheicy maryanne said...

i really adore ur style <3
and oh thats an awesome of docmart :D

Laura Morrigan said...

Your writing has a beautiful, lyrical flow to it! You should write a novel, one of those novels about what it is really like to be your age, the ethereally beautiful moments, the existential agony. Ok, yeah, you can probably tell that I am still stuck at that stage even though I am older :P

But yeah, your style is lovely, if you do decide to write something, I think it would really touch people!And with some of your amazing collages, too!

I have been following your blog for such a time now, pretty much since I first started blogging, and it has developed so wonderfully! You are inspiring!

Sophie Wilson said...

Wow, wow, wow your writing is b-e-a-u-t-i-f-u-l. I love walking home from school as well. Oh, it seems so cliche to say that I can relate to your writing but I can and it's really nice to see that someone else think and feels in the same ways that I do xoxo


helloagatha said...

I love your writing Flower, it's always so thoughtful and descriptive and beautiful. You're so talented with your photography and your style is so interesting x

charlotte said...

i love your writing! and those shoes…(L)

Maija said...

This is one of my favourite posts of yours I've read so far, you're a really good writer. I do the same thing: cataloging almost every aspect of my life just in case I forget it, but sometimes I think; What if I'm spending too much energy on cataloging and not even enough time actually living, it's enough to make anyone panic xx

Alice S. said...

I loved this post ^^

Tara A. said...

Wow, I have no words for this post. It's just...amazing. You really communicate your thoughts very well and I could completely relate to so many things that you wrote.


Anais Stewart said...

Omg those pictures, those books, those movies, and hose shoes are amazing. I'm like so fan girling

bee+ann said...

you are kind of amazing.
bee & ann

Maia said...

This blog is so amazing ! I love your style so much !!! would you mind checking mine out ?