I turned sixteen last monday and I guess it freaked me out a little. It's not like anything magically changed the second the clock struck midnight or whatever, it just feels so weird that my birthday has come around so quickly and I'm suddenly at the age where everyone expects me to start thinking about what I want to do once school finishes and I haven't even taken my exams yet and it's all kind of terrifying. My brain can't wrap itself around the fact that it has been a full DECADE since I was six. It's also crazy to think that this is my last year of school and I'm putting off looking at colleges for as long as possible. Staying where I am for sixth form purely for the sake of avoiding the stress of moving is a possibility, although I have a vague idea that a particular place is said to be reasonably artsy and fun and a few people I know are having a nice time there, but that's literally as far as I've got. Virtually every adult I speak to at the moment seems to bring it up though. One night during the summer I was, for no discernible reason, sat in a huge, wood smoke filled tipi at 4am, surrounded by half asleep people is baggy jumpers who all seemed to roll about fifty cigarettes an hour and also appeared to all be in folk bands. A battered guitar was being passed around and a guy with glow sticks looped through his stretchers sung Landslide by Fleetwood Mac and someone else sung Fisherman's Blues by the Waterboys and a few others played folk songs which I've heard numerous times but don't know the names of. It all felt so peaceful and free and I didn't really know anyone there so I was comfortable anonymous. And then someone sat down next to me on a sheepskin rug, sized me up and asked the usual question; "So what are you doing once you finish school then?" It felt so bizarre to be asked that same stupid thing in that kind of situation. I think I mumbled something about not being sure and then wandered outside and sat on some grass, staring up at the stars until the sun began to rise. I'm sick of thinking about it. Childhood and adulthood both seem an awfully long way away, in opposite directions. Simple things have suddenly become very unnerving so I've been spending longer and longer every night writing in my notebooks. They aren't really for recording happenings in my life, more for endless pages of me arguing with myself and trying to rationalise the way my brain works and as a way of looking for some kind of plus side to all the horrible things I'm going through. It's getting colder every day and soon it will be time for me to move my pets back into my bedroom and start spending long evenings curled up on my rug with my rabbit, reading and drinking too much coffee. Or so I'm trying to tell myself. Everything seems so far away at the moment.
Paper stars hung from the ceiling.
These pictures are really awful quality and I'm kind of hoping that's because of my clumsy editing and not my camera getting old?
Alice made a rainbow striped cake with popping candy and glittery stars and it was the prettiest thing ever.
Pizza, balloons and Donnie Darko.
So, let's just see where this week, the stack of books I brought on eBay today and some tentative plans I'm making take me this week.