Monday, 7 October 2013


I turned sixteen last monday and I guess it freaked me out a little. It's not like anything magically changed the second the clock struck midnight or whatever, it just feels so weird that my birthday has come around so quickly and I'm suddenly at the age where everyone expects me to start thinking about what I want to do once school finishes and I haven't even taken my exams yet and it's all kind of terrifying. My brain can't wrap itself around the fact that it has been a full DECADE since I was six. It's also crazy to think that this is my last year of school and I'm putting off looking at colleges for as long as possible. Staying where I am for sixth form purely for the sake of avoiding the stress of moving is a possibility, although I have a vague idea that a particular place is said to be reasonably artsy and fun and a few people I know are having a nice time there, but that's literally as far as I've got. Virtually every adult I speak to at the moment seems to bring it up though. One night during the summer I was, for no discernible reason, sat in a huge, wood smoke filled tipi at 4am, surrounded by half asleep people is baggy jumpers who all seemed to roll about fifty cigarettes an hour and also appeared to all be in folk bands. A battered guitar was being passed around and a guy with glow sticks looped through his stretchers sung Landslide by Fleetwood Mac and someone else sung Fisherman's Blues by the Waterboys and a few others played folk songs which I've heard numerous times but don't know the names of. It all felt so peaceful and free and I didn't really know anyone there so I was comfortable anonymous. And then someone sat down next to me on a sheepskin rug, sized me up and asked the usual question; "So what are you doing once you finish school then?" It felt so bizarre to be asked that same stupid thing in that kind of situation. I think I mumbled something about not being sure and then wandered outside and sat on some grass, staring up at the stars until the sun began to rise. I'm sick of thinking about it. Childhood and adulthood both seem an awfully long way away, in opposite directions. Simple things have suddenly become very unnerving so I've been spending longer and longer every night writing in my notebooks. They aren't really for recording happenings in my life, more for endless pages of me arguing with myself and trying to rationalise the way my brain works and as a way of looking for some kind of plus side to all the horrible things I'm going through. It's getting colder every day and soon it will be time for me to move my pets back into my bedroom and start spending long evenings curled up on my rug with my rabbit, reading and drinking too much coffee. Or so I'm trying to tell myself. Everything seems so far away at the moment.
So, a vague photo diary from my birthday. I got various books and nice clothes and music from family and a lot of glitter related stuff from my friends because they know me too well.
I celebrated with a small group of people who are the best and it was loosely based on the 7 deadly sins, hence the banners which I made (peacocks for pride, money for greed, donuts for gluttony.)
Paper stars hung from the ceiling. 
This dress is my prom dress which I brought from Clobber a few weeks ago. It is a dance costume and although prom is so far away it's super dreamy and I kind of had to have it. There are tiny sea shells on the sleeves and little feathers on the skirt and so many perfect details.
These pictures are really awful quality and I'm kind of hoping that's because of my clumsy editing and not my camera getting old? 
Alice made a rainbow striped cake with popping candy and glittery stars and it was the prettiest thing ever. 
Pizza, balloons and Donnie Darko.
So, let's just see where this week, the stack of books I brought on eBay today and some tentative plans I'm making take me this week.


Sophie Wilson said...

Happy birthday for last Monday. Your party/get together looks beautiful xoxo



Laura McPhillips said...

you are like the most interesting, quirkiest person ever - love it <3


Mark said...

Happy Birthday!

I'm incredibly old, but I well remember that anxiety and desire to want to freeze time somehow and escape decision making and the future and just wake up when it's all fixed and sorted, preferably by someone else and even more preferably fixed and sorted for the better.

It's a great idea to write these things down. As a trained counsellor I fully believe in recording therapy be it diary or just free form rambling. Keep a hold of them too, because whenever you reach another crossroad later in life - and sadly they all to often occur - you'll be able to look back and gain a perspective on where you are at from where you have been.

If I've any advice it's to be true to yourself, follow your heart and trust your instincts. You seem like you have a brilliant life, with impeccable taste, so I'm sure it will all turn out for the best.

Now you've got me putting Fisherman's Blues on my record player haha

Joy Agnes said...

Happy birthday!! I wish my 16th will be that cool <3

liza said...

holy shit you are gorg and yr room is perf

if u checked my blog out i wld cry http://teenagefeline.blogspot.com/

omg thanks love yaa

kundalini said...

Daww this is too sweet. Happy Birthday! Your dress is like the dress to end all dresses O_O I want it.

Sherry Chan said...

belated happy birthday! <3
you got a very pretty dress from prom and I love the details of it so much!


Chloe said...

your prom dress is incredible!!! happy late birthday. i turned 17 recently so i feel even more stressed for the future, and i still have no idea and just thinking about it makes me want to cry.


Eleanor said...

I'm in my final year of uni and believe me, i know exactly how you're feeling. let's be scared and unsure about the future together. or just forget about it for another little while. :)

Holly Kingsley said...

love your blog folllwed you via GFC x

Poppy said...

happy birthday x

Kani A. said...

Happy birthday! I can only hope that my 16th is as amazingly cool as yours was. As usual, your outfit is SOOO rad and I have no words to descibe the perfection that is that prom dress. Stay cool, lovely.


Kani A. said...

Happy birthday! I can only hope that my 16th is as amazingly cool as yours was. As usual, your outfit is SOOO rad and I have no words to descibe the perfection that is that prom dress. Stay cool, lovely.


Alex said...

Ah yes, thinking about the future... But don't worry, I turned 16 in March and yeah, I had a rough plan of what I'd like to do with my life back then. But during these past few months, this plan has changed drastically - and over night. I woke up one morning and knew, what I wanted to do in the future, what I had to do in the future. So maybe you'll have one of these moments soon, too :) And as intimidating as planning your future may seem, it's also a whole bunch of fun :) ♥

Nuala Elizabeth said...

I felt exactly the same way! I'm only a year older so I completely agree with you on this one, why can't people just lay off for a little while and let us be who we want? It's sad that they want us to grow up so quickly (I know how immature that must make me sound, but it's true!) Anyway, rant over :)

I absolutely love your prom dress by the way! In fact your entire style is just so quirky and cool, it's fantastic.

goldteethbaby said...

Pretty photos - your room is sick x
I get what you mean about the whole expectations of turning 16 thing - I'm almost 17 and it all seemed so cool years ago, but now there's only a year left of school and I have no idea what I'm going to do with my life afterwards.

regina said...

what a nice birthday, I really like everything about this post, and either your clumsy editing skills or your camera getting old is making those photos lovely apart from the fact that they are lovely