THIS ONE TIME AT BAND CAMP

I had this blog in private for a couple of days because I was making changes to the layout and it was looking pretty sloppy in the meantime. Sorry! I am still alive and hopefully I am going to be blogging less sporadically. I've just been feeling very disillusioned with blogging and life in general and I'm working on a longer post about that which will eventually be posted. I've realised that the whole mould which society has created is starting to apply online as well as in real life- that is, as long as you're white/skinny/hetro/cis/and conventionally pretty you fit the basic blueprint for a human being and once those criteria are filled you can be whatever you want to be because then it's okay, you're normal and society loves you. I'm not criticising anyone for being any one of or all of those things, it's just that being fifteen and angsty (which I know is totally normal) and having a blog I've been taking a lot of outfit pictures, looking at them and being like ewwwwww and then not posting them. Yes, I am white and cis so I half fit the mould but I'm not exactly skinny or conventionally attractive and I'm getting fucking tired of bloggers writing about how loving yourself etc etc etc is important and then seeing obviously photoshopped images of the same bloggers. It's just hard sorting out all the conflicting messages and trying to step back and realise how hypocritical some people can be. I'm also trying to make sure I see the make up I wear as something I wear because I want to, not as a way of being conventionally attractive. Some perfect and inspiring-in-a-non-cheesy way quotes;  

"You don't have to be pretty. You don't owe prettiness to anyone. Not to your boyfriend/spouse/partner, not to your co-workers, especially not to random men on the street. You don't owe it to your mother, you don't owe it to your children, you don't owe it to civilization in general. Prettiness is not a rent you pay for occupying a space marked 'female.' Diana Vreeland

"You've got to market yourself now. It's hard to have your fumbling experimental thoughts, your vulnerable thoughts, your half-formed inconclusive ideas, but they're vital. It's vital to stay with it. Keep something really important to yourself to develop slowly and don't be afraid of your vulnerability. That's your creativity. Know that it's right. Know that's the way." Michael Leunig

 This is what I wore today for a vague attempt at being productive. I brought a 33p calender with pictures of puppies on it in the hope that it will brainwash me into doing stuff. I did get a bit done so maybe it's working.I was going to buy an I AM 1 TODAY badge as well and then the cashier woman started waving it around and I felt awkward and put it back. I have applied to volunteer at the Salvation Army as it seems like a good excuse to buy even more size 16 granny skirts and fake flowers.

 This silk '80s jacket was a 14th birthday present from my mum. It reminds me of those play mats little kids have and it's pretty warm. I tend to build most of my outfits around jackets this time of year for the sake of warmth and having something to hide in. And pockets for my hamster. This one is cheerful enough for me to feel okay about wearing all black and white with it.

 My skirt is thrifted, shirt and belt are hand me down, necklace is Primark (I cannot work out why I wear it so much. The keys are all dropping off as I've barely taken it off since last December and it was only £2 to start with), badges are either from street markets in London or thrifted, tights are Topshop (another thing I overwear, they are 50% holes and 50% darns) and shoes are vintage. .

 I subjected my hair to an hour of peroxide which technically should have made it at least slightly blonde. It's slightly lighter which I like. I might bleach it again though so I can dye it properly. Counting down the days until I'm allowed to have lurid green hair.

I decided against writing any sort of reflective post (always sounds too cheesy.) My resolutions for 2013 are however:

1. stop crying at awkward and inappropriate times (like in public, maths lessons or school assembly.)
2. keep a full diary
3. watch more films
4. stop letting piles of junk acummulate on my bedroom floor
5. go swimming more often
6. start taking film pictures
7. read more
8. procrastinate less (hahahahahahahahahahahaha)
9. stop wishing I was someone else
10. do more writing 

This package I received from Jemima today cheered me up a ridiculous amount after the last few days of spending too much time lying on my rug crying and listening to Frank Turner far too much. She did a beautiful and amazingly accurate drawing and everything is sparkly and cute. Thank you Jemima! Your package is on its way.